10 Minute Journal – 9/4/17

I was asked recently to reflect actively on what “my needs” were and how that corresponded to how I envisioned success for my future self. Time has been a problem for me recently. I’ve been going through a lot this year, my 34th year, that has me learning to accept the temporal nature of my own life. This may sound depressing or dire. Sometimes it is.

When I was in my teens and early twenties I experienced some of the worst depression that I’ve ever gone through. The darkness of that time was onset by really not feeling as if I belonged in the world. I don’t feel that way anymore. I do feel as if I belong. I also feel powerful in my own life. Being a young man felt like suddenly being thrown into a pit. A pit kind of like that one in The Dark Knight Rises that Batman is thrown into after (spoiler) Bane breaks his back. Like, I didn’t know how to climb out of the pit. For a long time I thought I just was going to be a run of the mill failure and never get out of the pit. I wallowed in that sadness.

But, even in that sadness I would not accept that this was “all there was” for me. I think that if I had I might have contemplated suicide back then. There was always a small voice that said, “try again. Maybe you can find a way out”. Over a decade later and that voice comprises something like 70% of me. The tenacious me that climbed out of the pit and became a man* is now in the driver’s seat.

(*In this situation I’d define “man” in its most simplest – as being able to provide and take care of myself without reliance on others.)

Climbing out of that pit did not prepare me for interacting with others, just gave me the ability to understand how to use others for my own benefit. Now, I’m in the fourth year of my marriage and I find myself wanting a new way. I want to be able to symbiotically support and rely on others (namely my spouse). I’ve learned a lot about how to do this, but I feel as if I have so much more to learn.